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Monday, April 02, 2007

thank you

I want to thank everyone for all their kind messages of condolence over the last few days. I don't know why words of sympathy are comforting (misery loves company doesn't seem to cover it), but they are and I'm grateful.
Thursday morning, when the boy and I set out for the vet, Kita in the backseat, it had not been decided that we would be putting her to sleep, but I knew in my heart that that was what would happen. My vet, who has treated Kita for the near 15 years I've had her, isn't one to rush to judgement. In fact, eight months ago Kita didn't look so hot, but he advised just trying everything we could to keep her going, which we did. Eight months is a long time to still have your dog to walk and hang out with and feed and enjoy. The last two weeks, on the other hand, were a steady decline, despite boiling chickens and pep talks and desperate random attempts to coax Kita into eating. The final two days, she wouldn't really eat, or drink or walk or get up. So when the vet gave me his opinion, that only heroic measures were left (IV, basically) and that the real question, at this point, was: Are you ready?
Well, on the one hand, no. Never. And, on the other, yes, I was. Not ready to have her gone, but ready to do the right thing and let her go. So we did. If you have never been present for such a procedure, I can tell you, it's hard. Really hard. Actually, kind of traumatic, as was leaving the vet afterwards and going home and having her be gone.
Thusly, I missed two days of work last week (though I have no idea what I did during those two days) and the weekend wasn't particularly cheerful either. But it's Monday now and there's lots of catching up to do. I don't know if I will ever stop missing Kita; certainly it's weird at home without her. But I am looking forward to the little memorial service I am going to have when we get her ashes back: me, the boy, the ex, and the ex-ex (that's three generations of boyfriends; one dog). Looking forward isn't exactly the right word...I'm not looking forward to it as in I expect to enjoy myself, but I do want to have the opportunity to lay her to rest in a more spiritual, less vet's office, kind of way (although my vet said a very powerful, long prayer before the deed, which I appreciated). Anyway, that's really all I can say for now (and likely more than anyone really wanted to hear). Now it's back to the paper. We are actually in the midst of Annual Manual. You might think I haven't been bitching as much as usual because I've been distracted with grieving. That's only partly true; I actually hired an editor for it this year, so she's the one with the bitching...although, she hasn't been doing much of it.